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And here are the rest ...
1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug
of boiling water down it's throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost
instantly removed.
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2. Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply
strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. Your allegiance is now clear
to all.
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3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone
else to hold them while you chop away.
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4. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at
people as they walk up the aisle.
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5. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
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6. Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
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7. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.
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8. Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a
sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the
fence.
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9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
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10. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
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11. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
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12. Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
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13. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
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14. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
intended destination in the first place.
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15. Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right arm by
masturbating furiously with your left arm too.
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16. Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
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17. Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
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18. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.
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19. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
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20. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
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21. Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.
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22. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
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23. Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to
insulate your loft.
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24. Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen,
sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving
the wrong way up one way streets.
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25. Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin
in a bowl of iron fillings.
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26. A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara
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27. Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB digger outsideyour house for a few days.
Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace
the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!
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28. Have all your shits at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
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29. Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car
before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.
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30. A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
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